A tough day

Many of you have asked how things went with the John Deere undies. Cole spent the previous night at his grandparent's house. Grandpa was able to get Cole into the undies quite easily. I picked Cole up and right when we got in the car, he started talking about going to the store to get pull-ups, throwing away his undies, etc. Sure enough, we got home and in a matter of minutes, Cole was undressed from the waist down. We tried everything to convince him that it was January and time to wear his undies. It just didn't work. Cole was full of anxiety, searching high and low for pull ups. He refused to put undies on and threw them in the garbage. He was putting his hands in places that are not sanitary. Some things just aren't worth the fight. This was one of those times. We had to make a quick decision that could have many ramifications. Rather than risk Cole thinking it was ok to walk around half naked or regression in the potty training gains he's made, we put the pull ups back on. I realized it was too big of a leap for Cole. I think we need to re-evaluate the underwear goals. We need to keep him going potty on the potty and try to get him to wear the undies for even 5-10 minutes each day; build up a tolerance for him. We'll see how that works.

Today was a really rough day. To be honest, it was one of those days where Pat and I question how long Cole will be living in our home. The last thing we want to do is not have Cole with us each day, but there are days when it doesn't seem possible. It was one of those days where we describe Cole as a wrecking ball. He is set off at a moments notice, for no apparent reason. There are sheet rock crumbles in the hallway from where he slammed his door. He's done this so many times that the door frame is warped, the wood is splitting and the sheet rock is in despair. He's hit me so much today that my upper arms still sting. He's been physical with all of us. He kicks, scratches, punches- you name it. My heart broke today when I overheard Pat telling Connor to not walk in certain areas of the house because Cole might become aggressive toward him. It's not the first time we've had to tell Connor this, in fact, we tell him this multiple times a day. Cole can be so aggressive with Connor and we are at a loss at how to completely prevent it, and how to handle it. I tell Connor that if Cole understood how Connor felt when Cole hurts him, he would never do it. I welcome any suggestions you might have.

Many times, we feel like Cole is taking over our household. He is the barometer as to how we are doing. If Cole is doing well, we are doing well. If Cole is in crisis, we are in crisis. He dictates so many things. Today Cole had a tantrum because he wanted Connor to wear a short sleeve green t-shirt. We had to sneak Connor out of the house to try to get him to the YMCA with me. Just as we were about to leave, Cole ran out into the garage and demanded Connor stay. If Cole wants to play outside, Connor has to play outside. Even if Connor doesn't want to. If Cole is hungry for Campbell's Tomato Soup with the Healthy Choice green label and we don't have it, he wants to go to the store NOW and get it. Last night, he wanted to go home from Grandpa's because a marker was missing from a drawing board we brought. I literally had to distract him for 20  minutes and then sneak out the back door of my parents house so he would let me leave. I could go on and on. Every minute of every day is like this. This is life with Autism. 

Many of you probably are wondering why we don't just discipline Cole or tell him no. Believe me, we've tried... and we pay for it. I remember the first time we put Cole in a time out (against Doctors recommendations), Cole threw a toy across the room so we put him in his room for a time out. Cole was about 4 at the time. Maybe 10-15 seconds went by and we heard a huge thump. We rushed in to see that Cole had hit his head so hard against the wall that he put a 5" hole in the sheet rock. You should see Cole's walls, they are full of divots and holes. We can't keep up with the repair and actually have padding we are about to install. Doctors told us that discipline with Cole would be nearly impossible for two major reasons. Cole's brain is not capable of reasoning that because you throw a toy across the room, you have to sit in a time out. His brain can not make that connection. Cole also doesn't have what is called, "Theory of Mind". Theory of  mind is the ability to know that other people have their own minds; make their own decisions, feel their own emotions, want to do different things, etc. We try to prevent and re-direct as much as possible, but we can't always anticipate Cole's outbursts and there are times when he refuses to give up. It's an incredibly difficult way to parent. 

I apologize for venting. I have tried very hard not to make this blog a place where I say anything negative about Cole. We love him so much, so intensely and passionately. He brings us a tremendous amount of joy and an amazing perspective on life. We could not be more proud of him. But the reality is that we are human and we have a point where our walls break down. Today was one of those days. 

Pray that Cole has a better day tomorrow. I haven't told him, but we have a play date with his cousins. That should make him very happy! Hopefully he'll cooperate so Pat can enjoy a day off of work and get some time to relax (and maybe ice fish).

Happy New Year to you all. I hope you got to spend quality time with those you love.