Changes are coming!!

I look back on the day Cole was diagnosed with Autism. It was July 1, 2004.  Pat and I had were not prepared for Cole's diagnosis. He hit so many of his milestones and being the first grandchild on both sides of our families, we just thought he was a very active, curious child. I'll never forget the feeling of being in Dr. McLellan's office that day and the shattering words that came from his mouth, "There is no easy way to tell you this, but Cole has Autism." I remember I was sitting across the room from Pat and the only thing going through my mind was "keep it together, just keep it together". The doctor left the office to gather some information for us and we just stared at one another.... way too many emotions to even have a reaction. The doctor came back to us, gave a folder and told us to get in touch with the school district ASAP. I know he shared a lot more with us, but my ability to actually process his words was significantly impaired. I do recall one thing he stressed, "You will grieve this diagnosis like the death of a child." He was right, there are times when I still grieve in that way today. We left the office with Cole and walked to our vehicles. It was then that the words sunk in. We stood in the parking ramp, holding each other, and cried. I remember looking up while hugging Pat to see a mom with five children behind her. It was obvious that one of the children had cancer. It quickly put things in perspective for me. Despite my overwhelming sadness, I knew things could be so much worse. This was not a death sentence for Cole, it was the start of a lifelong journey for our family.

Many parents describe life with Autism as if you were on a plane to Florida and you land in the north pole. There is no road map and it is not what you signed up for. There are some things you know; Autism is a lifelong disability, there is no cure, time is critical and every child with Autism is unique, so what works for one may not work for the other. The learning curve for Pat and I was exponential. Not only did we need to learn about Autism, we needed to educate ourselves on what therapies existed, how we would pay for them, how he would get there and countless other things. We met with numerous people, made tons of phone calls and tried our best to maintain our composure. I would quickly learn that managing Cole's disability is literally a full time job. And it is also a race against time. 

One of the therapies we tried was in home ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis). We were fortunate to move up the long waiting list fairly quickly. When Cole was four years old, we had an ABA therapist come into our home. The program would be intense. A minimum of 25 hours a week. We were so thrilled to have this opportunity. ABA is one of the few known therapy interventions that can significantly improve children with Autism. The therapist was very nice and helpful. Cole, however, had other plans. He reacted so violently to having a therapist in our home. I remember her trying to get Cole to take a single Goldfish cracker from her. He threw an intense tantrum. We both tried to calm him but he escalated. He was kicking, scratching, climbing on me and really hurting me. It got to the point where the therapist herself had to remove herself from the situation. I was crying so hard I could barely talk. She asked if there was anything she could do. Between gasps, I told her to get a wet towel (Cole was into that at the time). She got the towel and I put it in Cole's mouth. Miraculously he calmed down. The therapist looked at me and said, "This just isn't going to work with Cole." I was crushed. And hurt. Cole was so rough with me that I recall it hurt me for at least three days to wear the seat belt in my car; remember- Cole was four. 

Fast forward to spring of 2008. It came to my attention that the MN Autism Center (MAC) was creating a center-based ABA program in Minnetonka. The second I found out, I called and placed Cole on the wait list. I called every month to find out Cole's status. I went to the open house in September and fell in love with the facility and the employees I met. The facility is located in a renovated building, amongst a few acres of wooden trees. It was perfect. In October we finally got the news we were looking for. There was a strong possibility of an opening for Cole in the "near future". On November 1st, I took Cole for an assessment. Paul was amazing with Cole. We left the assessment and Cole said, "Go to MAC. Have fun with Paul." Just this week, we found out there is a full time opening for Cole starting in January!  He will be one of twelve kids in the center based program. 

Like I said before, there is no road map with Autism. There are countless things to try and only so much time in each day. The wait lists are months, if not years long. No matter how much you do, you feel like it is never enough. We are truly blessed to have Cole in place to start this program. We know it will help Cole and our entire family. More importantly, we know Cole wants to go and he will be happy. A happy Cole is a happy family.

Sleep little one

As some of you may know, many people with Autism do not sleep... literally. They may sleep two to four hours a night and that is it. To this point, we have been so fortunate in this department. We always thought it was an advantage of Cole's high activity level; at least he tired himself out and slept decent. I've heard horror stories at support groups from parents who literally take shifts during the night to care for their Autistic child who rarely sleeps. One will sleep from 9-2 and the other from 2-7. I have always prayed this will never happen to us. Cole takes so much of our energy each day and to add sleep deprivation to that would be nearly impossible.

Like I said, Cole has been a good sleeper. He plays so hard each day and for the most part he crashes at night. That was until last spring when daylight savings time hit. This is a tough adjustment for most of us. It's lighter out later and frankly, the weather is too nice to want to go inside and get ready for bed. Pat and I spent the majority of the spring and summer nights trying every trick in the book just to get Cole to stay in his bed. I'll spare you the details, but it was a nightmare. From 8pm to sometimes 11pm, we took turns every five minutes putting him back in his room, reading books, changing movies, letting him sleep in his jeans, socks and t-shirts... you name it and we tried it. It was thoroughly exhausting and it was nearly impossible to get anything done or have some peace and quiet. I always felt especially bad for Pat, who leaves for work very early in the morning and most often wanted to go to bed before Cole would even stay in his bedroom. Our patience was wearing very thin.

About a month ago, we tried giving Cole Melatonin. It has been a life-saver in terms of getting Cole to sleep. Melatonin is a natural sleep aid. We crush it up, put it in his Oreo cookie and thirty minutes later he is out. What a blessing!!  We thought it was too good to be true. At first it worked great but in the past few weeks, Cole has been getting up really early. And I mean REALLY early. 

Many nights he come to our door, knocks on it and says, "BOO!!".  It's cute, but not at 2:13am. And not after you've done it four times already that night. For some reason, Cole isn't staying asleep for long. He is getting up, thinking it's morning. It doesn't matter what we tell him or how we explain things to him, when he is up, he's up. Sure there are nights when we can walk him back into his room and he'll fall right back to sleep. Last night was not one of those nights. Last night it was 3:03am. I knew it right when I saw him that he was up for the day. Cole was bright eyed, he got himself a cold drink of water and started talking about his new ceiling fan. Between the hours of three and six thirty am, Pat and I must have walked him back into his room at least 10 times. We both laid with him, trying desperately to get him to relax. Nothing worked. Pat got up at his usual 5am and headed off to work. Cole was still awake. Finally around 6:30, he fell asleep. Bummer for Cole, I had to wake him at 7:15 to get ready for speech. Cole was very tired, but he hopped up and got ready to go. I crawled back into bed and managed to get another 40 minutes of sleep until Connor woke me up. After some snuggles, I got up, took Tylenol to rid my sleep-deprivation headache and started my day. Pat, in the meantime, had eight+ hours of work ahead of him. All of this aside, I am so thankful to have been given this day. Despite being tired, I made the most of it. It was a gift.

But..... if you feel like sending some good sleeping vibes our way, we will gladly take them.  :-)

so proud

There are so many things I am proud of when it comes to Cole. He always impresses and surprises me with his skills; some I'm not always aware he has. As a parent of a special needs child, you are constantly trying to balance your child's vulnerability with their ability. I admit there are many times when I err on the side of caution verses letting Cole show me what he can do. I try to let go but it is so hard, especially when your child has a disability.

On Friday, Cole and I had a great morning. Connor was at Grandma and Grandpa Schusted's house. Cole and I had so much fun together. We snuggled a lot and just had fun. The plan was for him to go with a PCA in the afternoon so my sister and her new baby could come over and raid my bins of boy clothes. I drove to the place to meet the PCA and Cole refused to get out of the truck. This is something he's done three times in the past ten days. I'll admit it's been frustrating on my end. I selfishly need some time to myself and on this particular day I had plans. Cole had other plans for us. There is no way I would ever force him to go with someone. Cole was obviously loving our time together and didn't want it to end. I don't blame him. I love him lots, too.  So Cole gave the PCA a high five, wiped his tears and off we went to get Connor. 

I called my sister, who graciously said, "Lets not change the plans. I'm sure Cole will do just fine." This was one of those moments I was just writing about. I wasn't sure how Cole would do around baby Ethan. He saw him at the hospital and was not too interested, but having Ethan in his home was a whole different ball of wax. Cole can be very protective of his domain. Isn't it wonderful of Tara to be so confident and easy going!!

Once again, Cole surprised us.  We played at home for a while and soon enough, Tara pulled in the driveway. Cole was so excited. He said, "Tara's here!!  See baby Ethan!" When Tara got in the house, Cole immediately pointed to the bouncy seat (if you remember, he dug it out from storage a week ago and wanted Ethan to come over to sit in it). He said, "Ethan sit her. Cole buckle him in.". So Tara brought Ethan to the bouncy seat and Cole was right at her side. Tara tried to buckle him in and Cole took over- gently. He snapped the two buckles and said, "There she is. She is sleeping". (Cole often confuses his pronouns) Isn't that great!!  I know Cole loves his cousin, even if he can't express it as we do. Cole does it his own way. 

It was more stressful having Cole home while we were going through the baby clothes. He wanted to go on a bike ride, yes, in November. Thankfully he's getting more used to indoor activities and he's really playing a lot with Connor. All in all it went great and I was so pleased at Cole's behavior. He just continues to amaze us.

PRIDE IN HOMEWORK

I'll make this quick, but I wanted to share. I was so proud of both boys tonight. I was working on homework with Connor and Cole wanted to join in. He'll do anything Connor is doing. We have tried countless times to get Cole to do his homework and his patience lasts about eight seconds, and I'm not exaggerating. 

Connor was doing an awesome job circling his sight words and coloring in the lines. I printed off some tractor coloring pages for Cole and let him join the fun. While the pages were printing, Cole grabbed a sheet of paper and started drawing. He drew a house with a chimney and some smoke. I was so impressed!  He then wanted his tractor pages stapled together just like Connor's homework was. He proceeded to color in tractors, adding in the sun, sky and grass. He colored horses brown and tractors green... such a great job. The best part is how proud Cole was of himself and the fact that he was doing homework like Connor. He kept saying, "Good job Cole!  You did it!  You're doing homework."  Cole even starting writing out simple math problems 1 + 0 =. It was so fun to see the boys working so hard and more importantly, having fun. I hope the boys want to keep this up! I'm so proud of both of my boys- they are such amazing little love bugs.

Cole and his tunes

There is no other way to say it, Cole is one neat kid. No matter how often Pat and I are frustrated and frazzled, we more often find ourselves looking at him in awe, with amazement and pride. Cole is Cole and we love him so much for that. There are countless Cole-isms... if you follow this blog, you'll them as we go. What is just as amazing is to see how Connor catches on to these things. He has taken on the role of being Cole's big brother and chief watch dog, even though he's two years his junior. They are quite the pair and thank God they have each other. 

Cole has always loved music, but Connor has amplified that (no pun intended). Connor knows his way around iTunes better than I do. He knows the words to countless songs; mostly rock-n-roll. He sings with pride and even told me recently, "I sing so good mom. And I didn't even have to take lessons." You go buddy.  

Cole thinks the world of Connor and wants to do whatever he is doing. Now that the cold months are settling in and we are not outside as much, the boys have really been into music. They sit at our desk, sitting one behind the other in the same chair, singing songs, laughing and sometimes arguing over what song to play. It took about one sitting and Cole now can navigate his way on iTunes. I get such a kick out of him. He listens intently and sings just like we all do. Cole made me laugh tonight. He was listening to Joan Jett's, "I love rock-n-roll" and in it she shouts "oooowwww". Cole looked at me and said, "She's going to say ow (as in ouch)". He totally didn't get the context! Then again, his brother sings, "put another dime in the juice box baby".

He has quite the taste in music.... here are some of his favorites:

Makes Me Wonder- Maroon 5 (he sings it "you don't have a freezer")

I'm Yours 

Barbara Ann

Brass Monkey; yes the Beastie Boys

Anything by Johnny Cash

Music brings so many things to so many people. I'm so happy Cole enjoys music, just like any other little boy. Wait until the boys get Rock Band Wii for Christmas... that will be fun to blog about!!! Watch out Jonas Brothers, the Schusted Brothers are some tough competition.

 

Cole is "sad"

Thank you to all of the well-wishers regarding Cole's dentist appointment on Monday. For those of you who don't know, the dentist is one of the most challenging things we face with Cole. We've gotten him there a few times, but it was horrendous. They had to put him in a velcro straight jacket and we had to all hold him down while Cole kicked, screamed and through the biggest tantrum I'm ever seen. He was literally sweating when he was done and I was brought to tears. He had some cavities, so it we decided he would be put under at the hospital for the procedure. He did ok, but right when they woke him up, he tore the IVs out of his arm and tried running out. The next time we brought him to the dentist, he only went in the building because he thought he was going to see his other doctor (who is in the same building). When we stopped at the dentist office, he refused to go in and literally slammed his head on the floor and against the brick walls in the building. We can't drive down University Avenue in Fridley without Cole filling with anxiety and pleading, "no dentist today, NO DENTIST". This has brought us to where we are now.

For Cole's last two appointment "attempts", we've tried two different medications to calm his anxiety and make the dentist appointment possible. The first medication did not phase Cole what-so-ever. My dad, Cole and I tried to go to the dentist, but once we turned onto Able Street, he knew where we were going and through a tantrum in the car. As a mom, there are just some things you aren't willing to put your child through and this was one of them. We called the dentist, explained the situation and said we would make another attempt again soon. 

We met with Cole's Autism doctor earlier this fall. We told him about this situation and he prescribed a medication he was certain would do the trick. In fact, he said to give Cole 1 dose an hour before the appointment and if by chance it didn't take, to give him the second dose 20 minutes later. He didn't think Cole would even need the second dose. The doctor thought Cole would become very calm and nearly sedated. So yesterday I picked up Cole from school and we did the usual.... we drove his specific way so we could ride over the bridge and bumps (it only took me 10+ trips to get him to figure out the way he liked; prior to that the rides home were a tantrum-filled disaster). I gave him the first dose of medicine, conspicuously disguised in a "circle cracker". He ate it without hesitation- woo hoo!  After 20 minutes I knew the medicine hadn't done anything. I gave him the second dose and drove to my parents to see what would happen. Cole was happy as could be and as the time came to leave for the dentist, he hadn't calmed down or changed one bit. Again, we had to cancel the appointment. Only this time, I didn't even try to drive there. I knew not to. 

So we played outside (yes, outside) and talked with Grandpa until Grammie got home. We had a nice visit until all of the sudden Cole started to cry and say he was sad. This is very unusual for Cole. His cry almost always an "I'm really upset or frustrated cry", not an "I'm sad/alligator tears cry". At first I wasn't too concerned, but when it didn't stop after a few minutes, I looked at my dad and said, "I think he's having some kind of reaction to the medicine." Grandpa agreed. This crying went on for at least 90 minutes. Cole must have said 100 times, "Cole is sad. I'm sad." He would ask to snuggle and then walk away. He didn't know what to do, how to be consoled or control what he was feeling. It was very hard to watch. He was flushed from so much crying and he didn't know what to do. We tried to get him in the truck to leave but he wouldn't go. Grandpa Denny even found his John Deere tractor manual and that couldn't make Cole happy. 

Finally a trip to the Dairy queen is what got Cole in the truck.  He cried all the way to the DQ but was content once he got his purple cone (chocolate). The crying and sadness lessened as the night wore on and finally he fell asleep. 

It made me so sad to see Cole in this condition. So many things aren't easy and fair for him, this was just another one of those days. There are many times when I wish I could just trade places with him, for so many reasons. I just wish I knew what it was like to live inside his unique body. I love you Cole and thanks for being you.

There's a new man in town

As many of you know, our family was blessed with the arrival of Ethan Paul Mueller on November 14th. Tara, Jason and Elle welcomed this special boy into the world. It was so exciting to meet Ethan on Friday. You love him instantly and just want to cuddle him forever. I'm so proud of my sister and the beautiful family she has. I could post 100 photos of baby Ethan, but I promise to keep it to a few!

The day before Ethan's arrival was a day filled with many raw emotions. The anticipation of the baby's arrival was blissful. A new life to celebrate!! Yet our hearts were also heavy, as Pat and I had to attend the wake of our neighbor, Greg Knoll, who lost his battle with stomach cancer. Greg was 37 years old, with a wonderful wife and two darling little girls. He was a Minneapolis Police Officer and a member of the S.W.A.T. team. To say he fought his cancer with the same rigor is an understatement. Pat and I attended the wake and were amazed at the strength of Greg's wife, Melissa, and their two daughters, Neva and Morgan. It is hard comprehend what happened to this family. It's things like this which help to keep life in perspective. 

I was awaken by a phone call at 4:24am on Friday. I hadn't slept much... I was anxious, concerned and excited about the pending arrival of my new niece or nephew. I knew the baby would be delivered during the night and it was just too hard to sleep soundly. We've all had those nights. Whether you're going on vacation or you have a presentation at work, your internal alarm clock wakes you up each hour to make sure you aren't going to miss your flight or the bus. This was no different. I won't forget the pride in my sister's voice when she shared the news of Ethan's arrival. I was so happy and relieved. I was thankful for all of the details she shared. It's amazing what babies do to you. I loved him the instant my sister said, "I'm holding your new nephew". I was also thankful that I would be able to meet him later that day. 

On Friday, I brought Connor to the hospital with me while Cole was with his PCA, Haley. Connor and Ethan became best buddies instantly. Ethan showed off blowing bubbles and squirming around. Connor felt like the big man on campus, holding Ethan with confidence. I do have to tell you what Connor said when I told him about Ethan's arrival. I told Connor his name, etc. Connor said, "I wanted the baby's name to be Tyler. Maybe they'll change it when I come to the hospital." Kids say the funniest things. Connor loves Ethan and he loves his name. He even told him so in his baby book. 

The plan on Saturday was to play with the kids in the morning and then when Cole went with his PCA for a few hours, Pat, Connor and I would visit the hospital.  If you recall, Cole's wrestling partner (aka Daddy) was in Texas for most of the week. When Tiffany the PCA arrived to take Cole to the Mall of America, Cole refused to go. Cole was so sad and just wanted to stay with us. This doesn't happen very often, especially with Tiffany. She has known Cole for 4 years and he adores her. It just goes to show you how much Cole missed his daddy. He had what we call "alligator tears" and you could see the true emotion on his face. So we sent Tiffany on her way and went to plan B (with Cole, there is always a plan B and sometimes a C & D). 

Plus, Cole wanted to meet the new baby. A while after Tiffany left, Cole went in the basement. I thought he was in the playroom but instead he was carrying something back upstairs. I couldn't believe it... he went into our storage room and found the bouncy seat. He brought it to me and said, "Tara come over. Baby Ethan come over". Can you stand it?!?! How GREAT is that!!  

Grandpa Denny graciously offered to come to the hospital with our family. You see, Cole listens really well to Grandpa and things just go better when Grandpa is around. We didn't know how Cole would do in the hospital setting, etc. He knew one thing, there was an elevator ride in store and he couldn't wait! Cole did awesome. At first, he didn't want to sit near Tara and the baby. He was more interested in the vertical blinds on the windows and the fan in the room; Cole loves fans. In time, he went and sat on the bed with Tara and the baby. I tried to get a picture and I'll post the best one I have. I was so proud of Cole. He behaved like a gentleman and I'm so glad  he got to share this experience with us. It was worth it. He also asked to see Tara's belly and said, "Belly's gone. It will come back.".... does Cole know something we don't know?!?!?

Today we worked on how to spell Ethan's name. I spelled it for him twice and I bet when I ask him tomorrow, he'll know it by heart. He was finishing the letters as I spelled it for him today. He's so smart! Cole is so lucky to have his cousins. Connor and I counted them today and so far they are up to six. I grew up with one first cousin, so six feels like a herd to me. Either way, I know Cole's cousins will always watch out for him and love him no matter what. After all, that is what family is for.

Mac -n- Cheese Please!

As most of you know, Cole works incredibly hard. He attends Fraser Academy nearly all year long, Monday - Thursday. Each day before school, Cole goes to both Speech and Occupational Therapy. The mornings start out with Care Cab (a transportation company) bringing him to therapy and school. 

We are blessed to have a wonderful driver named Jan. Jan takes such good care of Cole. She always gets him to where he needs to go, she brings him treats on Halloween and patiently waits for us to actually make it outside to her van each morning. Today was no different. 

Cole has been into pancakes lately.... the ones with chocolate chips baked right in, and he always has to have three. Not today, the pattern changed. This morning it was macaroni and cheese. And he decided this right when the van pulled in the driveway. I tried hard to convince him otherwise, but there was no changing his mind. And frankly, at 7:30 in the morning I figured making the Easy Mac was the best way to start off this day. So Easy Mac it was. Cole loves to help make it. He grabs the bowl, pours the water and hits "circle, circle, 3, and start" on the microwave. He then hops up on the island and watches, just like usual. He's gotten so good at stirring in the "cheese". At first there was more cheese on the floor and counter than in the bowl, but now Cole is the official Easy Mac Master. No wonder he wants it for breakfast!!

Grandpa Denny picked Cole up from school today and boy did he have a treat in store for Cole!! Grandpa took Cole over to Keith the neighbor and showed him a "real live dead deer" (as Connor called it). Grandpa said Cole was very brave and didn't hesitate one bit to pet the deer hanging in Keith's garage. After Cole had enough of that, he told Grandpa... "See Daddy tonight". Cole was right. Pat has been gone in Texas since Monday. Cole knows the days of the week and he knew it was time for Daddy to be home.  He had his wrestling partner back! 

It was challenging getting Cole to calm down and get into bed tonight... he was WAY too excited to spend time with daddy. There was so much laughing, cuddling and tickling to catch up on. I am so thankful to have Pat as the father of my children. He truly is an amazing daddy. He is incredible with Cole; everyone around him notices it. Cole and Pat share a very special bond and Pat's duties as a father go way beyond what we thought they would be. I can't tell you how many times I tell myself how lucky Cole, Connor and I are to have Pat. I just wanted you all to know, too.

The Parmesan Cheese Mustache

Cole has such a sense of humor... something quite rare for a child with Autism. He loves to make you laugh. Tonight, he asked to play with his John Deere tiller and parmesan cheese. Cole LOVES anything John Deere, he always has. I think Grandpa Denny can take credit for most of that! Anyway, tonight Cole put the cheese on paper plate, took his tiller and ran it back and forth in the cheese. He's done this many times before. 

Cole has also been interested in men with whiskers lately.  He came up with the clever idea to put his face in the parmesan cheese and say to me, "Cole has whiskers!". Way to go Cole!!! What a great imagination. I took a picture and posted it here. I love how it looks like a goatee; something Cole's dad often grows!

Today was a good day. Pat is in Texas for work and Cole has done well despite missing his wrestling partner. The weather change is a big deal for Cole. Each morning he heads off to therapy and school, I put his winter coat in his backpack. I can't get him to wear it, but thank God he always comes home wearing it; hood and all. Once he got home, the jacket came off and Cole wanted to play outside. Connor and I put on our coats and headed out with Cole. He was already riding his bike in the snow-melted driveway without his coat on. The cold weather doesn't phase him. And he doesn't understand that a cold, misty night in November isn't the time for a leisure bike ride! I tried my best to tell Cole that the roads were slippery and that he could fall if we went on a bike ride. He didn't like it one bit and then decided to focus his attention on starting a bonfire. Again, the snow and mist had our bonfire pit and all of the wood soaking wet. Not a good recipe for a crackling fire. Rather than argue and fight, I chose not to fight this battle. I went in the house, gathered as much newspaper I could find, a pizza box and a lighter. We lit everything and it lasted for about 2 minutes. Thank God that was enough to satisfy him. He moved onto the swing and then decided he was cold.

Plus, it was time to see Alli. Alli is one of the amazing PCA (Personal Care Assistants) we have who work with Cole. Wednesdays are Alli nights. Cole LOVES Alli nights. He knows the routine and exactly what to expect. She takes him fun places like Chuck E Cheese (to play with the yellow balls) and to the YMCA to swim (she even takes Cole to the one with the Blue slide he loves). Cole lights up when he sees Alli and he always is "chirpy" (meaning he talks a lot!). 

After Cole got home, it was time to play and take a bath. He's been splashing SO much in the bath. I mean big splashes where the water falls over the side of the tub... the tile is coming loose and the molding on the floor is starting to rot. He gets the ceiling, too. So much that we need to get the popcorn replaced in many places above the tub. But I think I got through to him tonight. I was watching him and he said, "Cole likes splashy kicks!". I said, "Splashy kicks are for the Y, not the bath tub". He repeated it back to me and tonight, there was much less water on the towels I lay outside the tub floor. We'll see how tomorrow goes!

Cole is off sleeping now and I'm testing out my new "Cole and Me" blog. I'm not sure where this will take me, but I think it will be a fun and interesting way to share our daily experiences with you- both the good and the not so good. 

The best part of my day with him was when he looked at me before I carried him to bed. I put him up on our island and was giving him lots of kisses. For the first time, he looked at me and said "I love you" without me having to prompt him. I know he truly loves me. He loves everyone in our family and he knows how much we all love him. I'm so thankful for that. 

I'm also so thankful that tomorrow my sister Tara and her husband will bless our family with a new little baby to love. I explained that to Cole tonight and I think he got it. He said to me, "Tomorrow baby is all done in Tara's belly"... he is so smart.