I've been reading a book written by a close friend of mine. It's a first draft and the topic is an autobiographical account of her experience with postpartum depression (PPD) and psychosis. I'm about 75 pages in so far and it's a wonderful book. It's already taught me so many things. It's given me a new found appreciation for colic and the downward spiral of PPD.
My friend articulated with fine detail how severe her baby's colic was and how profoundly it impacted their ability to function. As I was reading this part of her book, I could relate really well to the feelings and situations that came from her baby's colic. They couldn't go anywhere, people looked at her with disgust and judged her parenting skills. They were highly sleep deprived and felt hopeless. You see, that is often how life is when you have an Autistic child. It's amazing how two totally different situations can manifest themselves in such similar ways.
As I tried to understand my friends battle and its impact on her life, it made me realize that people probably think the same of me. It gave me an appreciation and new found perspective for how people must feel about our situation. My friend shared bits and pieces of her struggles with me, but at the time, I thought she had it completely together. Not only was I baffled to read about how deep her depression was, but how well she covered it up. I was one of the "over the moon with excitement moms" she loathed in her book. I could not imagine what it was like to live through that, just like people can't imagine what my life is like.
I am blessed to have numerous people in my life who try very hard to comprehend what life is like for me, the parent of an Autistic child. But in the end, they aren't walking in my shoes. They understand, but only to a certain extent. And that's ok. I don't need them to fully understand... I just need them.
Another profound thing I took from my friend's book came in a section where she talked about her relationship with her husband. At this point in her book, their baby was finally over colic and she was reflecting back on how they made it through to that point. She made the most amazing analogy. I tried to find it so I could write it word for word, but I can't seem to find the page I need. It went something like this,
"Thank God my marriage is in such a great place. We were married for 4 years before we had kids. We truly enjoyed each other, traveled, laughed and had fun together. We had such a solid foundation before bringing someone else into our family. It's like we built a tower in the first four years. The situation with our baby gave us a run for our money. It tore away at the windows, stairs, carpet and all the other things that make a tower. But we weren't worried, for we had pillars of steel to support us. Anything could chip away at our tower, but it would never crumble."
I've always wondered why I met my soul mate at the tender age of 14. Sure, I didn't know it at the time, but there was a reason why Pat and I have been together so long and why God brought us together at such a young age. We have pillars of steel. We worked on these pillars for almost 15 years before Cole came into our lives. We've been together for 22 of our 36 years.
The statistics for divorce are upwards of 90% for parents of Autistic children. Yes, they are that high. It's stressful, challenging, daunting, financially draining and many other negative things. But it's also a beautiful thing to see your husband make your son belly laugh, to share stories of triumph, to know there is no other man on this world who could be a better daddy to Cole or a better husband for me. Pat isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. We're in this for the long haul and we're in it together. Our pillars can hold anything, Autism included.
*We hope you enjoy the pictures. Cole did awesome on Halloween. He rode in a trailer with his cousins and did a great job trick or treating. He went to the door, politely asked for treats and kindly said thank you when he was done.
He also got two big wishes that came true. 1- while home sick last week, he got to see the garbage man take our garbage. We waited at the window for 25 minutes and Connor was late for school, but it was worth it. Cole beamed with excitement and laughed when the driver honked his horn and waved! 2- This past weekend, Grandpa Denny took Cole for his first Harley ride. We were so proud of Cole. He was able to articulate his feelings to Grandpa, "I'm scared Grandpa," he said. That is a breakthrough for him. Cole hopped on without hesitation and his smile could be seen from yards away.
